In my last blog I described some of my long term goals and much of it pointing towards a quest to gain confidence in myself. Some of you might be wondering how it is going, and I have to say it is going better than I anticipated.
I joined Toast Masters in the second week of January and it has already helped me out with public speaking, but having to express my thoughts verbally is still something I struggle with daily.
What triggers me in fumbling or losing my train of thought is my fear of what others are thinking when I speak and my negative self-talk tape plays over and over in my head saying “you sound stupid, you don’t know what you are talking about, you sound like a bimbo, people hate the sound of your voice, no one wants to hear your ideas, no one cares about your opinion”. I need to flip the script. It won’t happen over night, but I am ready to drop my dark passenger who is full of fear and believes she is a failure.
I believe anyone is capable of anything if they want it badly enough and they are willing to put the effort in.
I participated in a course put on by a Life Coach for three weeks where we met by zoom at 6:30 in morning for a half hour group call during business days followed up with a one on one hour session on Saturdays.
My original goal was to build self confidence, and I believe it is growing, but more importantly through life coaching I am remembering who I truly am and what is valuable to me. I feel like the past 20 years I have been trying to be someone else to the point I forgot who I was and what mattered to me. I bought into a lie I told myself and maybe there were external influences too I allowed to alter my path in life.
Being in touch with the old me has been liberating. The ideals I had bought into of who I should be was like wearing heavy iron shackles. Caring about what others wanted and taking those goals as my own have been burdensome.
I now know my definition of success has changed drastically and it boils down to one word ‘happiness’. I know others may challenge me and say, no, you need to be more specific, happiness is too ambiguous and unattainable, but it isn’t. Any goals we have in life should lead to happiness.
I am still figuring out what brings me joy and what next steps I should take to figure out some measurable and attainable goals, but I am a little bit closer than I was two months ago.
It may sound odd, but one of my greatest joys is encouraging others, I love to see it when others are validated and they can see their true potential and live their truth. We witness so much when others are dismissed, discouraged and excluded from life. It is a beautiful thing when the opportunity to lift someone up presents itself. And always with authenticity.
I have been thinking about how I can practice encouraging others in my work, since so much of my time is spent there. I have also thought about what I would do if I didn’t need to work and if I could go back to school what I would study and what career path I would choose.
I have realized the monetary gains I so desperately wanted a few years ago are not so important to me anymore. I thought I wanted to be something ‘more’ whatever that means. I wanted to be recognized, but I quite enjoy working behind the scenes and not having attention focused on me. Quite content to be left alone to my own devices in silence.
I have chosen to explore what gives me bliss. Writing, playing the piano and being a source of encouragement and healing to others is what sets my soul on fire. How I can make a living off of this, well, I am not there yet.
I am learning more about the value of time and how it currently owns me, rather than me owning time. I am learning about the habits which do not serve me and need to change. Looking at my actions and asking, by doing this does it serve me in what I want to accomplish.
I will be working on me for years to come. The change I am looking for will not happen over night and it is going to require work and dedication. It also demands honesty and being vulnerable.
Having a Life Coach is much more valuable than I ever anticipated it to be. I have gained so much already in less than two months.
For the first time in a long time I personally feel like I am growing, I am shedding the old dull skin which covered my true shiny self for so long. I am excited about the future.
Shine bright. Peace and love – Rachel