You Know Jacques!

Christmas Eve 2023, I was sipping on a glass of Pinot Grigio trying my very best to be merry and full of Christmas cheer. Yet, I was missing my Dad so incredibly badly. He was in hospital and is still in hospital and has been in hospital since June 2023 when he had to go in for an emergency surgery to have a gangrenous gall bladder removed.

My Dad, proud Base Commander from the Royal Canadian Navy. My handsome strong Dad who now has lost an eye to cancer, has zero mobility, his baseline is lying on his back and the one thing which wasn’t taken away from him were his mental faculties. Up until this last surgery he was as sharp as a tack and we spoke everyday. He loved playing Lexicon and I would send him riddles he enjoyed pondering and solving. My Dad who was my greatest fan and always had an encouraging word to share.

I adore my Dad, but I wish he would let go and go with God. With all of this drawn out misery and hearing my Mom’s heart break a little more with each phone call, I have wondered is there even a God? Oh but there is. It is a miracle this 87 year old man is still alive. He has been dodging death for over 20 years. It was in 2004 when he had gone septic while I was away in Israel due to untreated cellulitis. He was supposed to die then, but he didn’t. In 2015 his heart stopped and he had flatlined three times and I think I had contacted every person I knew who I thought might say a prayer for him and the doctor who put in a heart pacer was baffled at how quickly my Dad had turned around. I do believe he said his recovery was miraculous. Maybe my Dad has used up all his miracles.

I am no fool; I know I am beyond blessed to have had him for as long as I have, but I cannot let go. My parents gave me such a magical and beautiful childhood, all my memories are good, even the not so good ones, my Dad was my rock. He believed in me. No one has ever believed in me, but my Dad has. I know if he had the will to turn things around he would, but maybe at 87 and being struck down so many times with his health, maybe it is time to go, but he is too stubborn to let go.

I will get to the stainless steel comb. While I was preparing a chicken enchilada dip, my brother in South Korea Skyped me as it was Christmas morning there. He got the package I had helped put together with my mom and unboxed it with his family while I watched. Gifts were passed around and my Mom had thrown in a couple of extra items which I wasn’t aware of, and then my brother pulled out my Dad’s stainless steel comb and it was like a punch in the gut. My brother was happy to have his comb as there were so many memories attached to this comb. My Dad used this comb to part his hair to the left “like the Royals do” is what he said. He used this comb to cut our hair as kids and I remember him carefully combing my bangs and then using scotch tape to create a straight line and cutting them. They looked awful, but at age three I could pull them off and still look cute.

A stupid small comb put me into a fit of tears as I wondered what my. Dad was doing, or I knew what he was doing, he was laying in bed doing nothing. Living in Calgary and being a six hour plane ride away from him has been rough.

I am blessed as I got to experience the best of my Dad. I moved to Calgary May 15th and my Dad had his surgery less than a month later. I wonder if things could have turned out differently if I had been there to encourage him, visit him daily and sneak in better food than what the hospital serves. This Christmas was the first one since I was born I did not speak to my Dad. He couldn’t speak, he was beyond exhausted and my Mom thought he was on his way out.

I continue to pray for one last miracle from God. I know anything is possible, but I will confess I am not holding my breath. At this point, I would be happy if he could go to a Long Term Care facility where he receives better care.

I love you Dad and I miss you more than you will ever know.

Peace and Love – Rachel