You Know Jacques!

Remember reading Judy Blume’s “Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret.”? I do, I was 11 years old and this book helped prepare me for my adolescence and puberty. My Mom never gave me “the talk” about what to expect or anything like that. All she shared was when she was 13 she got her period. Judy Blume’s book and sex education class from school is what educated me on puberty and what to expect. There were no surprises and everything went as predicted and it was explained why I may be sad, annoyed, angry, irritable before my monthly visitor showed up; my friends in high school named our period “George”, don’t ask me why. It was one friend who came up with the code name and it stuck. “Why so glum?” one would ask, “ohhhh, probably because George is coming in a few days; he is such a jerk!”. It worked.

When we were teens right up through our 40s, we knew what to expect physiologically & psychologically and then we hit our early 50s and the game plan changed, a lot. George starts skipping visits and instead of popping by monthly give or take a day, he is being sporadic with his visitations. All of a sudden, you no longer know why you feel a certain mood. You look at your “Clue App” and George is 42 days late and you cannot stand the sound of your partner’s voice and you want to carve his eyes out of his head.

You will be in a meeting delivering important information and then your brain flatlines and you cannot remember what you were talking about and one of your twenty something colleagues remind you. You try on your favorite dress and somehow your bubble butt has distributed some of your weight to your middle section and you need to purchase Spanx. Not only do you have extra weight around your stomach, your effortlessly perky butt seems a bit “down trodden”.

You wake up one morning with severe depression and anxiety and you wonder where did this come from and you start analyzing every life choice you’ve ever made. You feel badly about the Spanx and decide you want to lose some weight and commit to exercising more and having a calorie deficit and after a month you weigh yourself to see you gained two pounds when you were hoping and expecting to have lost ten pounds.

Welcome to Perimenopause as many women like me are a bit lost and are trying to navigate this whole whacky hormonal journey where both estrogen and progesterone begins to plummet.

While we feel like we are losing our minds and seriously considering the possibility commitment to a mental health care facility may be in our future. With all joking aside; we are suffering. We don’t know what is going on and our partners unless they are healthcare professionals educated in women’s health issues, want to know what has happened to their loving spouse.

Did you know divorce rates are at their highest for women while going through perimenopause/menopause; the mid-life crisis for us is all linked to our hormones.

Six months ago, I was going through debilitating anxiety combined with depression; I was in permanent fight or flight mode. I am naturally predisposed to anxiety and have had it all my life. Normally when I have anxiety or I feel it coming on, I know what to do and I know what is causing it so I can deal with it and it may last a week or two, but then it goes away and I carry on with life. This was 24/7, no clue as to where it was coming from, I questioned moving to Calgary, I questioned my marriage, I questioned my occupation, I questioned my faith and I couldn’t pin point what was causing me so much distress. I began to question my sanity and the only way I could describe what I was feeling was I was losing my mind. I was scared. It was hard to wake up. It was harder to fall asleep and then I would wake up with anxiety at four am so intense I was running to the washroom to vomit. I was trying to exercise to build up my happy endorphins, but I had no drive. I was merely existing, but not living. I was often too tired to cook, so we ordered in and then I felt guilty for spending money, letting groceries rot and eating less than healthy food.

I thought there had to be a reason behind all the distress. I would be working behind a computer, often with tears streaming down my face in frustration and sadness for feeling so terrible. What was wrong with me? The anxiety was so bad, I was barely making it. I was so tired my brain felt like jelly. The brain fog was as thick as pea soup. I was floundering and nobody knew I was suffering, with the exception of a few friends to hear my woes and of course poor Brian who had to live with me.

My regular GP doubled my medication for my anxiety which I was originally dead set against, but I was desperate. The doubling did nothing. I felt hopeless. I went to a Priest and received prayer including an intense dousing of holy water for deliverance and nothing. No peace, just more intense anxiety.

I found a woman online who lives in Canmore, Alberta offering hypnotherapy for anxiety; in my desperation, I booked her and it worked. Don’t ask me how, but it worked and I have been great for two months thus far. I had asked her if it would work if what was going on with me was hormonal and she said yes, it would work and it did! I believe the anxiety was hormonal, but this hypnotherapy was a God send. I could finally sleep; I could finally wake up and not dread the day. She offers the hypnotherapy virtually and I am happy to share her contact details if you need a quick solution as it did work quickly.

I shared with a friend who is older than me about my anxiety, and she went through the same exact nightmare of untraceable, debilitating anxiety. I told her how I was questioning everything in my life, how I was wondering if maybe I was subconsciously unhappy in my marriage. When you go through something like this, you want to attach a reason to why you feel a certain way. It was hormones- all hormones making us feel like we are on the brink of insanity.

My friend told me, she questioned her life choices, blamed her unhappiness on her marriage, got a divorce and how after she finally started Hormone Replacement Therapy, (HRT) she regretted leaving her husband. She was indeed losing her mind due to the crash of her hormones, but it had nothing to do with her husband. We talked about how no one ever prepared us for what would happen once we turned 50. Why don’t we get a booklet on “what to expect when you hit perimenopause/menopause” when we turn 50 along with the battery of blood tests and your first fit test. No one warned us. No one prepared us.

The problem is every woman’s journey through “the change” (what a change it is!) is different. Some women will experience next to nothing besides the occasional hot flush. Some will have no hot flushes (for me zero thus far). Some women will plump right up; some will lose muscle mass. Some women will barely sleep, whereas other women may obtain gobs of sleep and have no energy. Some women have itchy crawly skin and others have itchy ears or ringing in the ears.

I went to my doctor who is lovely to request HRT and he didn’t feel comfortable recommending a prescription for me. Instead I received a referral to a women’s clinic which specializes in women’s issues. I went there a couple of weeks ago and I felt validated and hopeful as perimenopause/menopause is no joke. Your body is going through some rapid and difficult changes and to speak to a specialist who knows what to advise is a game changer.

There is a book my doctor recommended to me “The Menopause Manifesto” by Dr. Jen Gunter who is big on scientific based evidence.

I will be sharing more about my own experiences; please remember what is happening to me may be very different from what is happening to you. Hoping this blog can help other women who may be feeling like they are losing their minds and have no idea why.

Peace & Love – Rachel